[EXPOSED Day 3 – #exposeyourtruth]
Something I always tried to hide about myself was my comfort level in being #One – but NOT the Captain. Going way back – I am not a Trekkie by any stretch, but I admired Captain Jean Luc Picard’s decisiveness and air of certainty. He didn’t always make the right call, but the responsibility and the outcome were fully on his shoulders – and he did not shy away from it.
He owned it.
In my career as an accountant and financial controller, I was most often in the position #One – the organization, the team, the execution was mine to go and “make it so”. My ideas, my talents, my special gifts could all be put to work unabashedly (in the beginning), yet I could hide behind the fact that I was merely #One, I was not the Captain, and if shit hit the fan – I could take shelter.
It was always my nature to make things happen in the best way I knew how, taking shit from the top, transforming it into a new plan and helping team put it into place. I was the first to give all the credit to our team and often, I took more responsibility from above than I should have.
I was the most dangerous person to have around – I was a people-pleaser.
Why are people pleasers dangerous creatures? It’s the fact that they are NOT HONEST.
They will smile and say everything is okay – even when a shitstorm is on the horizon. They work night and day to make sure everyone else is happy and taken care of, even if it means burning themselves out. When they do a great job, they give the credit away (and there goes the raises/perks/benefits and accolades too). They are resourceful beyond measure, they continually create SOMETHING out of NOTHING, they meet your budgets, do personal favours, and yes, will even bring you coffee.
They appear to want and need for nothing. This sounds wonderful, right?
Far from dangerous.
Oh, but wait!
The other side of people pleasing is the expectation that you will see all their hard work and recognize them. Won’t let them give away the credit. That you will know the truth about their pain and sacrifices and nose-wiping and ass-kissing – that you will stand up for them! Protect them! Value them.
The other side of people pleasing will be the realization that after all they’ve done for you, after all they’ve cared for, after all they’ve bestowed on you, that you finally SEE them and ESTEEM them, and give them the LOVE they so desperately crave!
The catch-22 is that when you toss any acknowledgment their way, they quickly find a way to side-step it, giving it away to others – hoping you will fight for them and prove they are worthy.
It is a push-pull game of epic proportions. I will push you away, and if you don’t chase after me, it proves I am not worthy of love. They secretly resent you for not loving them them enough. The truth is – they don’t love themselves.
The game is unbeknownst to all the players – even to the people pleaser them self – until one day
• They snap
• They tantrum
• They go into a violent rage
• They breakdown
• They burn out
And NO ONE saw it coming, least of all themselves …. And the people pleaser is so far gone, they are not sure they can return. And yet still – they hope you are suffering tremendously without them around, that you’ll feel like a bag of shit for not noticing them – you will die of guilt, and that you will never forget.
And so. I wish this were not true.
But it is.
People pleasing had a firm hold on many aspects of my life from trying to save my crazy marriage to an addict (now divorced), to a holding a job for 17 years that was even more toxic than my people-pleasing bent. Both of them nearly killed me.
But now – super advanced in my recovery – life is different. I am the Captain of my own ship!
The recovery process was not very pretty. It took a LOT of reckoning with myself, some very painful processes and a lot of change. It took BIG TIME HONESTY – with myself.
I still have all the duties of #One – but as the Captain too, I take full responsibility for myself, my business, my team, my relationships, my future, my failures. And my SUCCESS!
I have my own personal power now – and it is the greatest freedom you can imagine!
Much Love, Tracy
[#exposeyourtruth]
PS if you can relate to any of this and you want to make changes, I can support you in that. Just reach out. Cheers.
